The lost art of conversation

When you visit a coffee shop or café, what is the one thing you absolutely, undoubtedly, expect to find — not counting coffee?

Free Wi-Fi, of course. I mean, what’s the purpose of a coffee shop if not to take up room, jump on your laptop or phone, and disappear into cyber space? Isn’t that why God created coffee shops in the first place? I’m sorry to inform you, but the answer is no. Electronic isolation is a modern day use of the space, not an original, and not even ideal. Although it does help explain why coffee in some of those spots is so expensive: $1 for coffee and $6 for rent.

Coffee shops actually came into being several centuries before Wi-Fi, starting in Istanbul (then called Constantinople) in 1475, with the first European coffee shop opening as early as 1529. Other sources say the first European coffee shop opened in Venice in 1647. I personally wasn’t in Europe either of those years — or, for that matter, alive — but either way it was a long time ago.

Perhaps you will not be shocked to learn that one of the primary uses of coffee shops from early on was something rarely seen today: serious conversation among groups of people.

Take a closer look at the picture above. It comes from The Illustrated London News, the September 17, 1870 edition. It is titled Discussing the War in a Paris Café. If you wanted to discuss what was happening in the world, a coffee shop was the place to do it. Cafés were sober places rather than places of intoxication, so the discussions would be more rational than those in a bar. At least that was the theory, but I have noticed that one or two of the men in the drawing may just be slightly over-caffeinated.

Let’s talk

A few days ago my wife and I found ourselves thinking about breakfast out, and we were determined to find a place that wasn’t one of our regular haunts. I suggested Quiches & Pies, a small café that I’d stopped in once before to pick up a pastry, and the memory of that baked good was enough for my wife to agree.

Within minutes, and suffering only one wrong turn on the way, we parked and headed inside. It was friendly from the first glance, and so was the young woman who said, “Welcome in!,” and so was the display case which was filled with beautiful quiches and topped with delicious looking baked goods.

Suffice it to say, the food was outstanding. The ambiance was perfect for a Saturday morning breakfast, and the drip coffee was smooth. As we enjoyed all that, my wife pointed out a sign that was perched about seven feet up on a shelf. It made me laugh.

“We do not have WIFI. Talk to each other… Pretend it’s 1995”

As I smiled I looked around. A husband and wife were playing a game of cards. A table of four were chatting and enjoying each other’s company. Two women at a table next to ours were there for the first time and amazed by the food. Only one person, a fellow who had come in alone, was looking at his phone. My phone came out to take a picture of the sign, then went back into my pocket.

I thought to myself, “What a concept… a café that is encouraging conversation between people who are already sharing an experience.”

A few minutes later, one of the women sitting next to us came over and asked if we’d been in before. In other words, she started a conversation. Would that have been less likely if our faces had been lost in screens? Perhaps. But our heads and eyes were up, so we were approachable, and it was good.

But what will we talk about?

I’ve worked with a golf ministry called Links Players International for quite a while, and about ten years ago was privileged to be part of a committee that met to discuss a single topic: How can we better describe what we do? What we walked out with after a couple of days was this: We change the conversation at golf clubs.

Everyone from staff members to board members liked the phrase as well as the intent, and we began using it across the country. Then one day I received a text from a Links player. He said he liked “changing the conversation,” but he wondered this: From what to what? Good question.

I talked about that with one of my colleagues who was a journalist and very good writer, and he suggested that I take on the task of answering that question in a series, and so I did. My approach was simple. I wondered what people in a golf club generally talk about, and then I wondered what they might talk about instead.

When you find yourself in conversation with others in a public setting (like a golf club or a café), you may well be in one of these categories:

• temporal things, like the current condition of the golf course or the latest movie
• political things, like the war in Iran or taxes
• surface things, like the weather or seeing a new driver in the pro shop
• gossipy things, like whether so-and-so is having trouble with his golf game because of his marriage or vice-versa
• me things, like how great I’m playing and how great business is and pretty much anything else about me

Note that those categories are rare when you are with good and trusted friends, as Judy and I are blessed to be most weekends. If you have that, be thankful and enjoy your talks.

But to do good with the others, here are my recommendations:

• change the surface to substance
• change the political to spiritual
• change the temporal to eternal
• change gossip to truth
• change me to others

Of course you have to be in a conversation to change it, so get to talking. We all need to scroll less and converse more. Pretend it’s 1995, and…

Do good. It’s in you!