If you want to get better, here’s how

Let me just give you the heart of this article right at the top, then unpack it and show you how to apply it.

Ready?

If you want to get better in any way or at anything, spend as much time as you can with people who are very good at that thing.

I experienced this at a fairly young age, although I did not “learn” it. Certainly I failed to understand the universality of the process: it applies almost everywhere. For instance in physical activity (e.g. playing a sport), mentally (e.g. learning a language), spiritually (e.g. improving your relationship with God), in forming habits (e.g. regular exercise), and many more.

My first conscious thought about any of this was back in my days as a teacher of tennis. I was also, of course, a tennis player. But I seldom thought about my own game, because it was my job to help others.

One of my students came for a lesson and I asked him what he wanted to work on. He said, “I want us to just play tennis today. Real tennis with real scores and no telling me what I did right or wrong. Just play.”

That sounded like fun. I could (maybe) focus on my own game for a bit and get in some rare practice at the same time. I didn’t know how it would help my student, but he insisted he was still paying me for the hour. (That was also a good lesson for me.)

And so we played, and within a couple of games I was out of “teaching” mode and into “playing” mode. When the time was up we sat down to chat, and I asked if he had gotten what he wanted out of his “lesson.”

He said, “I always get better when I watch you play, but I don’t get to do that very often. This was very helpful.”

Better players

In a different world, I got to know an incredible solo guitarist named John Scott Evans. He wanted to record an album, but he needed other musicians. How did he do that? He went to a restaurant in Georgia (The Loft) where live music is featured.

Did he just sit and listen for the best players? No, he got on stage and played. Musicians who weren’t intimidated and wanted to keep improving came to him. The result? He put together a terrific band and they recorded an excellent album of his music called “John Scott Evans Live at The Loft.”

Simon & Garfunkel were better together. The Beatles made each other better. So did The Eagles and Jackson Brown, as well as The Time Jumpers.

It’s one reason why schools with great academic reputations attract people who want to be smarter. It is why your golf game, your vocabulary, your attitude, and your marriage will all improve if you spend time around people who are already there.

What not to do

As in almost every endeavor, there are things to avoid. I’ll make it quick.

First, this isn’t about comparison. People who want to be great don’t spend time comparing themselves to everyone else. That will cause you to be prideful or depressed. Neither is good. You are where you are and you want to improve. That’s all you need to know, Comparison is a dangerous game.

Second, I don’t care how good you are, there is someone you can learn from. You may be the Scottie Scheffler (#1 in the world) in some thing, but you can still get better. When you think you can’t, you won’t.

Third, this is a “people helping people” idea. You must be around and interacting with other people. So don’t be a lone wolf, and do not think hanging out with ChatGPT will make you better. (In fact, doing that can hurt you in several ways.)

Fourth, don’t think you can’t be the one others can learn from. Just as you can learn from others, others can learn from you, so don’t hide your gifts or yourself — be open and available.

Iron sharpens iron

Just to finish out the “not to do” list, be careful that the friends you choose are good people. This ancient truth that is found in the Bible: Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

The positive side is found in Proverbs 27:17: Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

These principles have been recognized for thousands of years. It seems likely that at some level you already understand them. The question is, are you intentionally putting them into practice?

Notice that surrounding yourself with the right people is intentional. It is possible, of course, that you are part of a family that is outstanding in many ways and you get to be around them automatically. Perhaps you have neighbors or friends who “sharpen” you on a regular basis.

But if you allow your sharpening to happen only randomly, you will not get honed to perfection any time soon.

Last week I wrote that people as a whole don’t change, though individual people (you) can change. You can be a better person. We all can. We can make great strides in that direction by our own efforts. I can go out and practice my golf game alone and get better. I can read books, watch YouTube videos, and see some improvements.

But I remember a time not long ago when I met a young man at a public driving range who was as serious about his game as I was about mine. We began practicing together, then playing some, and always challenging each other. Our improvement was dramatic!

Do good

As in every other area, it applies here: If you want to get better at doing good, surround yourself with people who do good. You are not in this alone, and you are not even in this life alone.

It has been said that you may not be able to change the people who are around you, but you can change the people you are around. Do that, and you will get sharper every day.

Do good. It’s in you!